摘录：
- While playing also some situations the brain likes to mark as ‘‘threat’’ ‘‘super very important’’ and justify mistakes as being not good enough. It is easier than believing you did your best and lost, that’s hard to accept and be with. Those thoughts and ruminations are not worth fighting or blocking, just observing and letting them be. Can’t avoid it. Just part of what we are doing.
- To myself:
- 1. Self trust and believe in experience and intuition, instead of balancing ranges, especially when feeling stressed and anxious. Can’t make balance in short amount of time under pressure
- 2. Focus on process instead of results. At least reminding of that
- 3. When I can’t be resilient or it doesn’t work to be, I am gonna try to be observant
- I had quite a painful blunder at the end today. Even during the hand I wasn’t exactly sure but bluffed, after reviewing it seems wrong.
Wrong in assumptions and range interactions. And it is even more stupid because getting called by hand which are folding in solver calculations.
Hmm, annoying. Because these types of stuff are hurting intelligence, knowledge, and ego the most. When you do something you are unsure of and get an outcome which is even worse for what you are doing. Triggering tilt a bit and considering grip to identity it is even more emotionally painful.
I’ve been talking to a specialist today and he said: ‘‘you can’t get spots right most of the time, because poker is so complex and the human brain can’t make logic and connection everywhere''. Some things are gray and non intuitive, it is okay to be wrong and the hardest thing is to accept it. Accept it and walk with a chin up. It is easy to win and keep your head up when things are good, but real strength when it is challenging and difficult. - Perfect strategy won’t get rid of emotions and bitterness, also don't get rid of mistakes and wrong assumptions. Poker is a complex game with endless depth.
- I’m feeling like my motivation and interest are decreasing a bit. Probably it has to do with many things: for example previous months results, studies, being tired a little, variance and availability of high stakes games. It's okay to have a period of plateaus, totally normal and impossible to always be motivated and inspired. I will ask myself questions - What poker gives me? Why do I need to study and try to improve? What earnings can give me? Why do I play and what do I want in life?
Maybe also wanting to have a reward from routine studies, from playing and trying hard. When it is not so exciting- it can be less interesting. Like you wake up to play, you played your best, things were around 0 and if it happens day to day. Might become boring and dull. In that situation it is good to reflect, think why we are doing what we are, about nice things and more. Can be exciting from time to time too.
Actually studies are still very interesting for me, even in those periods, because I am always finding something new and what I was doing/thinking wrong. - Today I decided to take some time off from studying and do thinking and reflecting. Actually I’m feeling my perfectionism started to rise a bit and grip too. I’m looking for certainty in my schedule,my order, doing things exactly as before. Anything new or change is treated like a danger and something which can throw away balance and ruin everything. Bit sensitive approach to be honest and quite rigid. Obviously it makes sense, because I can feel more calm and relaxed being in comfort. Less stress and worries which make it easier to do things.
Not sure why perfectionism tends to increase from time to time. It may have to do with the habits maybe, or past experience. Kinda want to do things the same as before and that would make me feel pretty good. Because I can be confident in what I am doing and can deal with emotions. Confidence is important - it reduces stress and overthinking. As long as it is not overconfident :)
Perfectionism is quite connected to worries, anxiety. If you don't do things very well you second guess yourself and are afraid of mistakes or something bad happening because of you. It has to do with the fact that you aren’t sure of yourself and your capability, sometimes thinking that you will autopilot and make mistakes. Or forget something important and it will cause catastrophe. That's all increasing pressure and the need for perfection. It will be stress free and sure that you did things well.
Don’t know but it comes back and forth in poker and real life. In poker thinking about spots I’m lost, coming back to the past and looking for a better solution to not feel what I feel. Also can be in playing only good games and instantly jumping if games become worse. For now it is more about life and poker studying, where I can feel a bit of tension and tightness. Think more in life. Especially at checking everything multiple times and making order. No cluttered table, unfinished tasks or wasting time.
Probably anxiety feeds those needs for certainty and control. Also fear of emotional pain and strong emotions. Regret, frustration, guilt, unworthiness. A perfectionism in that sense is a shield which protects at all costs from those emotions. If perfectionism will be gone, it won’t be better - because now there's gonna be more stress and worries. Also how can I keep calm and clarity, surrounded by chaos and thoughts.
Question: Can anyone bring a perfectionism example in poker?-Trying to play like a solver-Looking for ideal decisions
Thoughts and ideas:
1. What helped me with stress and anxiety - self talk and support, acceptance, confidence rise, time.
2. If I am missing something it doesn’t mean that I am not trying enough or not fully focused. It is just complexity of the game and large amount of details and information.
3. It is very interesting to play and think about spots. Poker has enormous depth and it is impossible to grasp it all. Can’t know it all and if I think I do, it is time to learn.
4. Emotion is a state in which I am in, it is not possible to feel nothing. However, every feeling will change and disappear with time. Happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, joy…
5. I can fully focus on spots and think very deeply about them. Yet it won’t guarantee winning those situations and easy session. I will lose and make mistakes.
6. Losing, winning reflects luck more than skill and strategy. Results won’t give true satisfaction and happiness, however other metrics can.
Thoughts and ideas:
1. Benefit from rest - dropping accumulated emotions, dynamic and history. As well as variance, playing hands and resetting expectations. Besides can look at things with ‘‘clear view’’
2. Accepting losing - it is not a verdict and not an indication that the future will be terrible. Shouldn't make quick conclusions, things might go differently
3. Only winning bb tells about good strategy and performance? Can I play well and lose bb?
4. I can’t control decisions of other players and their thoughts
5. My identity might be tightly attached and dependent from quality of my game (mistakes, dissatisfaction with my plays, variance)
6. I will keep learning how to cope and accept uncertain spots which I lost (ruminations, analyze, need for control)
Feeling under the weather and tired today. Anxiety and pressure added up from the first two days and previous week. Making me stressed more and my health decrease at some point. The body tells me that I need a rest and to reduce being super productive and trying hard. Okay, thank you and I am gonna listen.
It is quite tilting and irritating to lose, maybe because I play basically one table. Kinda easier to get frustrated and get a lot of attention on every passing spot. Sometimes giving judgements, overthinking and ruminating. Especially if it is by red line - ahh that can make me a lot more angry. Because you know - good players have an upwards red line and if you don’t have means you aren’t good. That’s not a logical conclusion, rather just feeling and belief deep inside. When they win against me by red line I am starting to get worried that it will be bad in the future and it is gonna tell things about it. Which is increasing pressure to play even better and fight everywhere. Increasing stress, anxiety and energy spent during the game.
When I lose continuously I also tend to get worrisome, because it is hard to take and overthinking certainly might come. Like - I am not good, they are better, I am gonna keep losing, need to do something else.
Overtime tension and irritation pile up and it is harder to carry. Reducing overall mental energy and just quality of life. When you are angry, it is easier to get even more angry and things start to become more annoying. Strong rain - can make, advertisement on youtube and anything else. Well, need to keep attention and release some of the weight. Otherwise everything gonna become tougher and less pleasant.
But at the same time it is hard to always enjoy playing, when luck is not in your favour, when you lose uncertain spots and face aggression everywhere. Even when rec players smashing you like knowing your strategy. That's not an enjoyment, it is rather an exhausting and emotional fight. Because I tend to put everything on the line as well. Black and white - either you did good or failed.
Don’t know but I also made a few debatable plays. Being sticky too and fighting to win. Kinda at some point lost my awareness and observation, starting to look at things from my perspective only. But realized it and came back to being present and mindful.